Well, I turned the big 2-4 last Thursday (May 22.) Honestly though, I don't feel 24. My body feels a little older than it used to, but I'm pretty sure that I'll forever feel 17 (and I'm sure i'll feel 17 until the day I die!) ANYWHO, it was a good day! I went to my niece's track meet, did some garage sale stuff, went and played some spring league basketball where we won our first game (hbd to me! #fistpump), and then went to the in-laws' and hung out. They made me café rio and skor cake and gave me some presents. It was all-in-all a good day! not to mention I got tons of little presents from Mark. woop woop.
But the strangest part about my birthday this year was the fact that I didn't have my iphone. I had lost it the night before and it seriously has vanished into thin air. I have said a bazillion prayers and I really feel like it's gone for good this time. The worst part about it is that I know my phone was probably blowin' up with texts and phone calls of people all wishing me a happy bday. haha ...... nawwwt! Getting married = loss of friends. Having children = loss of even more. But still, a few people did tell me that they tried to get a hold of me and so it was a little sad not being able to talk to them on my 'big' day.
I'll be honest, losing my phone has been weird. I've felt totally disconnected and a little lost, to say the least. Nobody can get a hold of me and I can't get a hold of anybody else either -- except for my sister who lives right next door (thank goodness!!) But the fact that it's been gone for almost a week now is constantly nagging at me and weighing me down and honestly, it's gets me a little on edge if I think about it too long. I'm sure some of you can relate to me when I say that it just feels like part of me is gone. But do you want to know what's even weirder? it's how much I've actually loved not having it! Seriously guys, I'm not joking -- I've never felt so liberated and free since stealing my neighbours' quad and taking it for a ride as a kid. (okay, probably not that long ago. but you get the idea.)
My iphone is obnoxious. It constantly beeps and buzzes. It's so clingy and needy and wants attention all day long, and anything or anyone who needs that much attention is just annoying. Worse still, I was always giving the attention it really didn't deserve. My phone took time away from things that mattered most to me (aka my daughter and husband). I realized that life is too short and time is too fleeting to waste it on useless and meaningless garbage. I could picture myself at my deathbed, wishing that I could go back in time so I could do things over, so I could spend more quality time with those I love. I had always known that would be a regret of mine if I didn't do something about it, but me getting old seemed so far away and so I never really felt motivated enough to change.
Then I realized something: that my regret and longing to go back wasn't only going to come when my hair had turned white and my skin becomes more wrinkly than a prune ... that regret was going to hit me hard and fast at every milestone in my family's life.
Won't I long to go back and change my ways when Laikyn walks through that kindergarten door for the first time and she isn't in my constant care anymore? Won't I wish to have a conversation with her face to face when she graduates and moves from home and the phone just doesn't seem to cut it? Won't I regret it when she gets married and reality sinks in that she isn't my baby girl anymore? Won't I shake my head in disapproval when I watch her with her own phone, ignoring the pleas of her own child? Then won't I feel even worse after I realize that she has become what I taught her?
Of course I'll regret it! I mean, who wouldn't? And I'll regret it for every child I have after her.
Yes, I knew would regret it at the end of my life (and what a sad day that would be) but now I know I'll regret it a whole lot sooner unless I do something about it, and I don't want that many regrets in my life. #thanks...butnothanks. I've regretted enough as it is. I think it's fair to say I've received a rude awakening, so I guess losing my phone was sort of lucky in a way ...
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
I want to live in the moment and soak it all in. I want to make real connections with real people. I want to be surrounded by friends who actually talk with the people in the same room as them. I want to make memories for the sake of making them -- not just to brag about it later via fb to show off how cool I am. I want to go outside more. I want to pay attention to the little things. I want to find joy in simplicity.
But do you know what I want most of all? I want Laikyn to feel love in the right way. I don't want her to measure her self-worth by how many people like a photo on insta or how many followers she has on twitter. I want her to feel comfortable in her own skin and surroundings. I don't want her to hide away from reality. I want her to have courage to face her problems head on and to have an opinion without shielding herself behind a computer. I want her to be able to do hard things. I want her to enjoy hikes, sunsets, and star gazing. I want her to run around outside and not come home until her jeans are covered in stains and her hair is full of grass. I want her to create pictures with paint. I want her to swing so high she gets the butterflies. I want her to have conversations that matter. I want her to influence the world for good. I want her to find beauty from within.
I want all of these good things for my daughter and more, but how can she do them without me doing them first?
But the strangest part about my birthday this year was the fact that I didn't have my iphone. I had lost it the night before and it seriously has vanished into thin air. I have said a bazillion prayers and I really feel like it's gone for good this time. The worst part about it is that I know my phone was probably blowin' up with texts and phone calls of people all wishing me a happy bday. haha ...... nawwwt! Getting married = loss of friends. Having children = loss of even more. But still, a few people did tell me that they tried to get a hold of me and so it was a little sad not being able to talk to them on my 'big' day.
I'll be honest, losing my phone has been weird. I've felt totally disconnected and a little lost, to say the least. Nobody can get a hold of me and I can't get a hold of anybody else either -- except for my sister who lives right next door (thank goodness!!) But the fact that it's been gone for almost a week now is constantly nagging at me and weighing me down and honestly, it's gets me a little on edge if I think about it too long. I'm sure some of you can relate to me when I say that it just feels like part of me is gone. But do you want to know what's even weirder? it's how much I've actually loved not having it! Seriously guys, I'm not joking -- I've never felt so liberated and free since stealing my neighbours' quad and taking it for a ride as a kid. (okay, probably not that long ago. but you get the idea.)
My iphone is obnoxious. It constantly beeps and buzzes. It's so clingy and needy and wants attention all day long, and anything or anyone who needs that much attention is just annoying. Worse still, I was always giving the attention it really didn't deserve. My phone took time away from things that mattered most to me (aka my daughter and husband). I realized that life is too short and time is too fleeting to waste it on useless and meaningless garbage. I could picture myself at my deathbed, wishing that I could go back in time so I could do things over, so I could spend more quality time with those I love. I had always known that would be a regret of mine if I didn't do something about it, but me getting old seemed so far away and so I never really felt motivated enough to change.
Then I realized something: that my regret and longing to go back wasn't only going to come when my hair had turned white and my skin becomes more wrinkly than a prune ... that regret was going to hit me hard and fast at every milestone in my family's life.
Won't I long to go back and change my ways when Laikyn walks through that kindergarten door for the first time and she isn't in my constant care anymore? Won't I wish to have a conversation with her face to face when she graduates and moves from home and the phone just doesn't seem to cut it? Won't I regret it when she gets married and reality sinks in that she isn't my baby girl anymore? Won't I shake my head in disapproval when I watch her with her own phone, ignoring the pleas of her own child? Then won't I feel even worse after I realize that she has become what I taught her?
Of course I'll regret it! I mean, who wouldn't? And I'll regret it for every child I have after her.
Yes, I knew would regret it at the end of my life (and what a sad day that would be) but now I know I'll regret it a whole lot sooner unless I do something about it, and I don't want that many regrets in my life. #thanks...butnothanks. I've regretted enough as it is. I think it's fair to say I've received a rude awakening, so I guess losing my phone was sort of lucky in a way ...
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
I want to live in the moment and soak it all in. I want to make real connections with real people. I want to be surrounded by friends who actually talk with the people in the same room as them. I want to make memories for the sake of making them -- not just to brag about it later via fb to show off how cool I am. I want to go outside more. I want to pay attention to the little things. I want to find joy in simplicity.
But do you know what I want most of all? I want Laikyn to feel love in the right way. I don't want her to measure her self-worth by how many people like a photo on insta or how many followers she has on twitter. I want her to feel comfortable in her own skin and surroundings. I don't want her to hide away from reality. I want her to have courage to face her problems head on and to have an opinion without shielding herself behind a computer. I want her to be able to do hard things. I want her to enjoy hikes, sunsets, and star gazing. I want her to run around outside and not come home until her jeans are covered in stains and her hair is full of grass. I want her to create pictures with paint. I want her to swing so high she gets the butterflies. I want her to have conversations that matter. I want her to influence the world for good. I want her to find beauty from within.
I want all of these good things for my daughter and more, but how can she do them without me doing them first?
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My influence is instrumental in who my daughter will become. What am I teaching her through my example? What is my use of technology making me miss out on? What will I miss out on in the future if I don't change my ways? Honestly, I don't want to know, so I'm pledging to you all that I'm going to make a change. I'm making the change today and I'll make it again tomorrow. and don't you dare let me forget it.
So cheers to that.
ps. There is a really good youtube video about technology called Look Up by Gary Turk. If you haven't watched it, do it now. (sorry about the one swear in it) I can think of no better way to end this post. His words brought me to tears and made me feel really guilty. Guilt can be a good thing if used for good ... just like technology can be good too. I have missed being able to talk to my family who live far away. I miss being able to snap a picture of Laikyn whenever I want. It is really convenient for lots of reasons and I can't wait to get a new phone (or find my old one! #fingerscrossed) But in the meantime I'm glad for the life lesson I've learned. I'm already loving life more. =)
So cheers to that.
ps. There is a really good youtube video about technology called Look Up by Gary Turk. If you haven't watched it, do it now. (sorry about the one swear in it) I can think of no better way to end this post. His words brought me to tears and made me feel really guilty. Guilt can be a good thing if used for good ... just like technology can be good too. I have missed being able to talk to my family who live far away. I miss being able to snap a picture of Laikyn whenever I want. It is really convenient for lots of reasons and I can't wait to get a new phone (or find my old one! #fingerscrossed) But in the meantime I'm glad for the life lesson I've learned. I'm already loving life more. =)
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