Lesson #1: What you have is enough

While living out in the boonies (aka Beazer) this past year I have come to more realizations about myself and about life in general than I think I probably have in my whole entire life. I don't know if it's because I'm closer to nature or if it's because I've never had more time alone with myself, or if it's because it's so darn peaceful. Or maybe it's simply because I'm now a mother to two lovable kids and that in itself has allowed me to grow and mature. Or maybe it's a combination. Whatever it is, I feel as though I've been stretched and twisted around more than ever and it has been so unbelievably uncomfortable and painful at times, but I have really grown to appreciate the process and how it all works.

Anyways, one of my favourite life lessons I received came while staring at myself in the mirror one day. You are probably thinking I was being vain. Well, you're very wrong. I was looking over myself and examining everything that I thought was wrong with my body. My pores were too big. My one eye is smaller than the other. In fact, the closer I looked, the more I realized how crooked my whole fact was. My smile was crooked. My one ear pokes out. My eyebrows are too bushy. My long hair is always frizzy. My hands are stubby. That dang mustache is getting out of control (thank goodness for waxing!) My weight gain during pregnancy is wayyy above average. And I'm still a victim of adult acne! Gah!

But what had sparked this flood of negative thoughts, you might ask? Why, Instagram, of course! What else would leave you feeling totally incomplete, less than par, incompetent, and just simply not good enough other than our wonderful social media? Don't get me wrong, I do love looking at everybody's photos and all the wonderful things you are all doing with their lives, but boy, sometimes it's hard to not let it affect the way I feel about myself -- especially when I start browsing around to blogs of flawless women and mothers I don't even know! That's when I hit my all-time low, so to speak, and I start thinking horrible, ungrateful thoughts.

Soon I began to go below the surface with questions such as, How are all these young couples able to go on vacations and get gorgeously tanned and experience so many things? How do people always know what to say at the right moment, meanwhile I feel so awkward and tactless? How come I can't keep my cool like other mothers can? The dishes are spilling over the edge of the sink, I never straighten up my house unless the visiting teachers are coming, and I never find the time to scratch anything off of my 'to do' list ... Needless to say, my sensitive self had spiraled down into an black hole and the tears were unleashed in full force.

So I decided to do something that isn't a talent of mine: I prayed to Heavenly Father as though I was talking to Him face to face. I tried to use respectful terms while speaking, but it just wasn't working for me at that particular moment in time, so I simply told Him everything that I had just told you. I told Him I felt useless; that other people had the talents that I would've rather had. I told Him how rundown I was. I told him that I was losing patience with everyone around me, including myself. I told him how so many others seem to have so many things I wanted and couldn't have at that moment and how that bothered me.

While praying a flood of things I had been (for lack of a better word) complaining about flashed across my mind. This went on for quite awhile starting with the most superficial of things to the deepest, most personal. As the list went on, I felt a shift taking place: through God's grace (aka enabling power/love) I was able to look at everything I had been so negative about with a different perspective. Sure, my hands were short and stout, but they allowed me to embrace my wonderful little family each day. Yes, I was gaining weight faster than most people who were pregnant, but I began to just feel gratitude that I get the privilege of being a mother in this life. I began to see with new eyes all the things that God has actually given to me. And as His love totally filled my whole entire being, I felt these exact words come into my mind:

Yes, it is true that you haven't been given the best of everything. But I have given you what I have given you, and what you have is enough. 

I pondered on that for a little while after, and I still ponder on it today. No, I don't have the best of everything or the grandest or the most perfect life. But what I do have, it is enough -- enough to fill my life with complete and total joy if I allow it to.

^^ A shot of my little house in Beazer.